The Upstanding Artist

Introvert. Recluse. Thinker. Overthinker. Emotional. Too Emotional. Standoffish. Genius. Brilliant. Dope. Too Much. Not Enough. Selfish. Mean. Procrastinator. Artist. Creative. Brat. High Maintenance. Talented. Blunt. Quiet. Humble. Unicorn. Alien. Awesome. Unbelievable. The Worst. Crazy.

All things that I have been called and possibly am or could be. What I am learning is that words are just that…words. They really do not make or break you. Sure they have power – but to what extent? It’s people who make them positive or negative. I’m learning to take compliments – as well as criticisms with grace. Of course I have my days. I used to think that being called “too emotional” was a bad thing. But guess what? I’m an artist – and it’s precisely THAT that inspires and makes my art. It’s precisely that thing that translates in my work. Ninety percent of what I experience goes into my work some way or another because my work will always be there and is really all I have. It doesn’t judge me and is patient. It doesn’t call me names because I question normality or because I see most things differently.

Art is a way out of the norm.

Art creates dialogue.

It doesn’t matter if the dialogue is good or bad. As long as people are talking. What they are saying is in a way, none of your business because once you’ve released your art to the world – your task is done. Ideally, you just want people to feel something. Or at least I do. I think I do a decent job of that in my work… I want to evoke something…stir something up in your soul…make you think…feel.

I digress.

I‘m a worrywart. Always wondering “will this be good? Will this be better than the last?” Because you always want people to be interested. “IS this interesting? Does this make sense? [see my last blog] I get caught up in needing to constantly feed the people when I should be feeding my soul instead. Removing self-imposed time limits and the need to satisfy everyone. Don’t get it twisted! I love the love I get! It keeps me going! But if I don’t feel it, I can’t write it or shoot it. I get that this is also a mindset that I need to probably adjust. I’m working on it.

My point is this. F*ck everyone else. Create from your soul – and nothing else.

Stay Creative.


Coming Out of the Darkness

Hello beautiful people,

I’ve been on a hiatus for a while due to battling a bout of depression and trying to get my life in order. Here’s the thing – so many creatives individuals I know suffer from this…disease of sorts…but no one really talks about it. I have no issues with discussing it if I need to, and I know I’ve been stagnant for a while and this is why.

I’ve been battling depression on and off since my Dad died in 2003. It comes and goes and when it comes, it sometimes stays a while - and when it does I usually retreat to my cave not wanting to talk to anyone, see anyone or do anything. I’m not really a ‘talk about my business’ type of person and don’t abide by the whole “misery loves company" saying. I’d much rather keep to myself than to spread that type of energy to others. I had to learn the hard way that not very many people will understand it – depression that is – and they will not know how to deal with it and you. Unfortunately depression runs rampant in the creative community and is why so many of us decide to take our lives. I will say this…if a friend tells you that they are struggling with depression, don’t leave them out to dry. At the very least – try to lift their souls, or just LISTEN to them. Some people shrug it off and that doesn’t help anyone. Try to get them to seek help even.  Just don’t NOT do anything.

This last bout took a couple of months for me to come out of with some help from my therapist, talking a bit about it to friends and just the wanting to not be in the darkness anymore. Drugs helped for a couple of days but the side effects aren’t worth what it does to your body so I chucked them. I honestly believe it’s a mental thing. Being mentally strong…or just being outright determined to get through it because you know that your life is bigger than you – is what will be the first step towards the light. I had people reach out to me to tell me how much I inspire them and that if I needed them, they’d be there because they needed me to keep telling my stories and keep sharing my energy with the world. It’s how I realized that something bigger than me was working and I needed to respect that and act accordingly. It amazed and humbled me to learn that I affected people that I didn’t know personally, or people that quietly watched and paid attention to every move I made because they root for me. Hard.

Stepping into the light had me reassess past and present relationships, things that trigger my depression and seeing that if I envelope myself in the things that I find joy in – happiness can’t be too far off. Surrounding myself with people that inspire me, seeing really great work, and even really bad work, meeting new people, forging new relationships, and just looking at life from a more cerebral or cosmic perspective has propelled me onto another level – mentally and emotionally, that has begun to satisfy my desire to just being able to live and journey on my path to greatness. I say all of that to say that I’m back and I have some goodies aka content coming down the pipeline for you. I haven’t been this inspired in a really long time and it feels really good to be back…creating.

Love & Light,